Original sentence: No one dared enter this garden.
My Version: The sprouting piece of land was untouched by human matter, for the consequences that lay ahead for the daredevil that planted down their handcrafted boot on that garden were horrible.
Why I chose this sentence: I chose this sentence because it was one of the first sentences and if it was as it was before I changed it they would not read the piece of writing due to the lack of secrecy in the sentence and wouldn’t read the story to the end non stop because other activities would be more exciting.
What I changed: I changed the level of secrecy of the sentence so it hooks the reader and makes them want to keep reading because they know there will be more sentences that made them more excited about the story. I also changed the length of the sentence because a crucial sentence to keep people reading the story shouldn’t have six words because it shortens the story and there is less chance to make the reader enjoy reading the story.
Hi Jakob, I think that the sentence that you wrote was very descriptive. You used the method show not tell really well.
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